Well, I am dis-inclined to talk about my less than perfect life (who is ever perfect?), however I seem to be somewhat dis-heartened nowadays.
Have I lost my direction, my purpose in life? On Friday, before I booked out of camp, we had a fast march competition with the full combat load humped on our backs. I did not manage to complete it.
Not with my full load anyway. My legs developed multiple cramps, while my back started to hurt very badly. That is, if I had ignored the multiple blisters that were forming rapidly around the soles of my foot.
Since it was a competition between sections, with the prize being early book out, everyone gave their all. I completed the first 4 km without much difficulty, yet I had hints of a sore back developing.
I knew I should have told somebody about it, but my pride seriously doesn't allow me to. My ambitions totally depended on my ability to finish that 8 km.
After the 10 minutes break, we set off at an even more hurried pace. This time, my feet reached their maximum stretching point, and I got hinits of a cramp developing. I pressed on, determined not to give up. With 1 km left to go, I lost my battle with the cramp, and my legs collapsed on the road in uncontrollable spasms.
The Sergeants came around to help me stretch both legs (which were very painful after). My section commander took my field pack and left me only my rifle to walk with. I was undeterred. I wanted to finish that 1 km myself. I pestered him, pleaded with him. He didn't let me.
So I limped back to the finishing line, last, and most important of all, without my sense of purpose.
I told myself (as the platoon sergeant and platoon commander came), I was a burden. Then I gave myself a mental slap. There is always another time for me to prove myself.
It turned out that I dehydrate faster than other people, and needed to drink more isotonic drinks. When we finally dismissed to go back to our bunks, I wanted to bring my own load back, at least affirm to myself that I could do that little bit in my current state. No. My team mates grabbed hold of my stuff and went up with it.
I cried.
This feeling is even more strengthened when I watched the Japanese anime series, Naruto (there were English subtitles). A boy filled with a sense of purpose...
I guess I take some time to recover from these set-backs, don't I? Right now, I couldn't have used this as an affirmation anymore. I needed something new. So now I am going to train as hard as before to get myself that Gold award for my physical test.
Even as of now, I am still wondering whether I am harbouring the correct direction towards my national service. If I were wrong about myself, I need Time to tell me.
